Bruce Arlen Kamstra
August 28, 1957 – March 17, 2026
Bruce is my brother. We have been living separate lives for quite some time now. The most changes occurred after our parents died. The glue that kept lives and family together - gone.
I often think “how is it that we are part of the same family
and yet we are so different from one another”? I’m certain that many people
feel that way, but when your own family member dies, it magnifies those
thoughts.
As children, we
shared everything!
We have shared a multitude of meals, frequently sharing and
fighting for bathroom time; and for many years - while living in a small house
- we all slept together.
As time went by
these things changed.
By being the oldest child in the family, I was the first to
leave. Then my sister, then my two brothers followed to create their own life
paths.
A family continually changes. We move in and out of the
family core as circumstances move. We graduate from grade school, high school;
we meet and marry the people of our choosing. Throughout marriages, divorces
and raising children, we change even more. What once was familiar to us becomes
unfamiliar terrain. Our opinions change, along with foundational thoughts that
we all thought we shared. Over the years, there have been
disagreements/arguments/misunderstandings/emotional hurts.
Separation occurs, but ‘in our hearts’ we continue to long
for what we once had as children. Under the love, care, faith and guidance of
our parents we believe our lives will forever remain a unit. This is not the
truth.
All these life-growing changes create changes that we don’t
recover from. Slowly at first, a month or two of no longer speaking. Then
months of not seeing each other easily becomes a few years. Not a problem. We
have social media to fill in the empty times. What is meant as a helpful tool,
separates lives further. Years fly past with little to no interaction. Is someone at fault for that? We are so complacent
in this. We allowed this. Was it my fault? Was it yours? Sometimes both. Often,
we just tire of confusion and hurt and we just retreat.
And then…10 years have gone by. No conversation, no social
media, continuing division, no more trying, no holding it all together ‘for
family’. We are divorced from each other and the going back is more difficult
than repairing the separations. We find personal comfort in the ease of being
relaxed in our own lives.
None of this is ‘my’ fault…we lie to ourselves. Our lies and
unspoken agreements comfort us… most days. Our childhood hurts with petty
jealousies follow us year after year.
These ‘truths’ continue to shape us, forming repetitive patterns that we
share with our own families – our children and grandchildren.
And then, just like that, a family member dies. We all die a little. Our feelings flow from our eyes. The best of our childhood memories flood in after the years of hurt.
Our own faults become pronounced.
We see that by the choices we didn’t make we created
the real choices.
As I sit at my computer, I have this small piece of artwork. I look at it every time I sit at the desk. It says these words…
Missing you.. Missing you..
Missing you.. Missing you..
it is repeated on the entire page of the artist’s rendering. I can hear the clicking of the typewriter keys. The art covers all the losses ever felt.
Although we have been estranged since our father’s death in 2015, you were never far from thought.
I am missing you, brother.
I am sorry that while protecting my own heart and life, I failed you.
I love you.
|
Photo Credit: Original 1963
Matthew A. Kamstra/with 2026 Meta AI enhanced photo. Bruce is 6 years old and
Duane is 2 years old. |
Romans 6:8 “Now, if we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him.”
This is our eternal hope and prayer.
#foreverfamily
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